Feeling horribly tonight

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Feeling horribly tonight

Post by JelloMOO on Sun Nov 22, 2015 1:43 am

Hey guys. I'm Jello. None of you know me but if you cared at least a little bit enough to read this then Ill introduce myself.
I'm 16. I'm 5'1. And yes, I'm male. I dont really have any friends or anyone to talk to, so, I guess this is the only place I can go. I have clinical bipolar depression and anxiety and it can be really hard for me to do everyday simple things. For example, I find it hard to focus in school. I don't see the point in working so hard when my life is going to be a bad one. I still get good grades. A's mostly. 1 B in math though. Lately its been getting worse. I can't eat, its hard to stomach my food with these horrible thoughts in my head. I sometimes throw it up, no matter how hard I try to keep it down. It's gotten to the point where I cant even function anymore. Nothing is fun, everything just makes me feel even worse.

Then I found the gulliver mod. It made me feel bigger. I felt like I'm not such a worthless pathetic excuse for a human life. I came to this server to be a part of a community. It was exciting applying for it. I was so ready to be a part of this. I felt like I had somewhere to go. Everyday I mentally planned out my thanksgiving break. I was going to play everyday and everynight. Instead of staying up all night crying, biting my pillow, and holding in loud sobs, I would be here playing and having fun and actually enjoying life. It was going to be the one thing to make it all worth it. I applied and waiting. Refreshed the page every 10 minutes or so, everyday. I waited and waited. I was looking forward to it. I even read the other applications. I would play singleplayer and go look for villages and pretend that the villagers were other people I could play with and I was be a giant and protect them from the zombies. If any of them died I would make a proper grave for them with a name I gave to each of them. I pretended that I was already on the server. The only thing that kept me going was the hope that they'd accept me. Earlier today I guess I upsetted ciabatta, even though I didnt mean to, and she rejected my application.
My stomach dropped and instantly i burst into tears. I couldnt stop the loud sobs this time. I'm sure my neighbors had heard it. Its been almost an hour now and I cant stop crying. I'm going to look like crap tomorrow. I can hardly breathe and I feel like my body is burning. I feel a pain in my chest and stomach. I feel like I'm going to throw up soon now. I dont think Ill be sleeping for the next few days. I started hallucinating last night. Its going to get worse. I wish I never upsetted her. I wish I never even said anything. I could be on the server now instead of crying. I could be playing and helping out and talking to you guys and being happy for once in this stupid year. I feel like I'm going to throw up.

I'm sorry if you hate me.
Im sorry that I suck so much. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

I know I'm pathetic but I was going to be having some fun. I was going to make some friends. I was going to be useful for once in my life. I was going to be a part of something. I guess its back to the pillow for me. Goodnight everyone HP (Roleplay)

JelloMOO

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Re: Feeling horribly tonight

Post by PTpirahna on Sun Nov 22, 2015 7:22 am

It didn't really feel right to just ignore this, but I'm going to attempt to tread VERY carefully while posting to avoid breaking anything, as at the moment I feel like a giant in a bustling community of tinies.

First of all, I'm just going to ignore the emotional stuff. I'm definitely not an expert in the mind, and saying anything could feel like treading on thin ice. Secondly, I really am seeing no reason to act so extremely. The way I see it, the server has standards to uphold, and you are required to abide by those to be able to be whitelisted. The whitelisting application method is a way to keep these standards, and if you fail, just try again eventually. As Cia said, it may not be the best idea to attempt to do the application when your emotions have been started up so much. The posts on the forums suggest that you have done nothing at all to upset her, actually. As of now, I'm pretty sure none of us hate you at all, and an application not being accepted has nothing to do with what others think of you, especially in a system like this where you can easily reapply with revisions. The 5 facts are to make sure that the community can know a bit of who you are as a person, rather than a random stranger. Not just anyone is capable of succeeding, and that's just fine. If everyone got in, there would be no point in an application system. Don't obsess over this server. It's rather flattering you think so highly of it, but so far it seems to have actually done more harm than good because of how much you value it.
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Re: Feeling horribly tonight

Post by Cordelia on Sun Nov 22, 2015 10:22 am

Hi there. I'm Cordelia, one of the server moderators.

Jello, I'm going to be perfectly honest with you: We don't care. That might sound callous at first, but let me explain myself. We don't actually know you. The only little bits of information we get about you are the bits you give us in your application. Based on these tiny little bits of information, we have to decide if we're going to whitelist you or not. It's not that we hate you, it's just that ultimately... we don't know you. We can't hate you because we don't know you, but on that same note we can't like you because we don't know you. There's a reason we're so strict with our whitelist application, and to be perfectly honest, this is it. Our system relies more on keeping issues out rather than letting everyone in and worrying about cleaning up later.

You actually made a decent application at first and you probably could have gotten into our server after a single revision if you'd had the patience for it, but given what happened it's pretty clear things wouldn't have worked out. You've repeatedly stated that you're desperate to get onto the server (to the point that I'd consider it unhealthy) yet you seem to not want to follow our server's procedures and rules. I hate to phrase it like this, but if you had really wanted to play on our server, it probably would have benefitted you to not implode right here.

I've avoided the whole... emotional bit of your application for a reason, but I'll address it pretty quickly. One of two things is happening: either you're trying to abuse our compassion, or you legitimately need help. If your happiness relies that much on a silly little video game server, then you really need to talk to a professional about that. Getting on our server isn't going to magically make things okay with you. That's if this is all a legitimate emotional outburst, though I do get the feeling you're being more than a bit disingenuous with this whole thing. It's written a bit too 'English 101' to be written in the throes of anguish like you're supposedly in. Perhaps I'm just reading you wrong, though.

My advice to you would be to use this as a learning experience. Learn to take criticism and apply it to your own work like that application. Learn to be patient. Try to find a way to be happy. Good luck.
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Re: Feeling horribly tonight

Post by JelloMOO on Sun Nov 22, 2015 1:35 pm

If I could find a new way to be happy, I would. I know you don't care. I expected each and every single one of the staff not to care. In fact, Ciabatta said I'm emotionally blackmailing, or something like that. Look it doesn't matter how little care you all have, it matters that at least I had somewhere to talk about my feelings, because I don't have anywhere else to talk about it. In fact, I'm 100% sure a few of you laughed after reading this. Whatever. Just ignore it. It's the only thing I have. Since everything else was ripped from me.

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Re: Feeling horribly tonight

Post by SFPT on Wed Nov 25, 2015 6:15 pm

I don't want anything I say here to be of any offense to you; I see you've been upset enough over a Minecraft server.

But, I have a slight suspicion that all of these emotional things are a bit over the top. I don't know anyone that would get this upset, obsessed if you will, over a video game. I forgot exactly where it said this, maybe the Novice's Creed, but here's a reworded quote from that somewhere: having some sort of disorder won't give you any special treatment. You won't get sympathy for your bipolar depression (I could be wrong, but it's not my words).

Your application is now considered null and void according to Ciabatta. I don't know exactly when, but because you ignored everything and seemed to go on an emotional rampage, you won't be able to apply for a long while now.

Even though I don't have bipolar depression and don't completely know the effects of it, I do know what it is. Clinical Bipolar Depression isn't even the most severe form. Heh, I shouldn't really be going into much detail of your depression and I know it's terrible, but if you're really depressed, I don't think our Minecraft server could help that. Nobody on this server is any sort of professional on the subject of depression and helping people to cope with that. We're really a group of mostly 13-18 year olds that like to play Minecraft.

I really do hope that that wasn't uninformed and offensive, I tried my best. I do hope that you can cope with your depression in other ways besides getting onto this server. Best of luck; just don't try to find your luck here.
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