Contrast - A fantasy/Sci-fi story I may continue, maybe

Well, a while ago, I started writing my own story about a fictional world, blending together a medieval, Steampunk world with sci-fi technology, the technology being a form of 'magic' in the medievil world. Instead of ttrying to explain it again, ill paste what I wrote on my deviant art post.

Please if your interested, head to this link to the first chapter and have a read. Ive currently only done 2 chapters, but let me know if you like what you see and want to see more, and ill continue it =] otherwise ill move on with other things.

http://xshadowscalex.deviantart.com/art/Contrast-Chapter-1-472911546

V Quote from deviant art post V

"It is a fantasy world, similar to that of the fable or skyrim, where magic is public, but rare. Magic, however, is a little different in this world, in that they are 'cast' from sci-fi looking objects and machines, and are in fact, from an ancient advanced civilization which is now extinct, the remnants of their technology being uncovered by adventurers and explorers from this generations.

It is a perilous task to uncover these relics though, as the towns and wilderness are routinely assaulted by shadowy, nightmarish creatures that seemly came out of nowhere, only first appearing in recent years, and in massive numbers. Towns and even cities are already falling to the relentless swarms, and the remaining civilizations are desperately searching for some kind of technology that was left behind by the ancient race, anything that could help stem the tides and save them. With villages crumbling everyday, the clocks ticking...

Anyways, thats a very breif overview of what the story mainly consists of, but it will follow a small group travelling to the towns, on their own agenda, though I dont want to go into too much detail for spoilers sake."

You've heard this thousands of times from me already, but I'd love to see more! Let's see what the rest of the world thinks though... >w<

Well, this is definitely an interesting story, and I took the chance to look at the second chapter, too, buuut I do have a few critiques. Just… well, I can be really blunt while doing this, sooo… try not to get discouraged? XP

So, my first point is… these chapters are really, really short. Like, even for a short story. I mean, if they were movie scripts, they’d work, but… well, that’s the difference between two different kinds of media

To fix that, though, at least in the first chapter’s case, I’d add much more description. Because… well, everything is extremely vague. Especially since you describe the setting as medieval fantasy, and reference Skyrim (in which they only just reach crossbow-level tech in the DLC), but you say several of them have rifles and explosives. And you just leave it at that. While I’m not going to ask for calibers and manufacturers, the term ‘rifle’ can mean anything from a Revolution War-era musket to an AK-47, so… some extra definition would be appreciated, even if you just changed the word ‘rifle’ to ‘musket’.

Anywho, besides descriptions, I think you could actually shove both chapters together as well, to help give it a more chapter-y length. Just separating the sections with stars or hyphens or something would be necessary to show that one is more of a prelude to the main story, since that is also a little unclear about chapter one.

Moving on to chapter two, I noticed that at least near the end you began to drift between present and past tense. This is personally a pet-peeve of mine. I’ll just leave that there

Also, chapter two still feels short… but that’s probably because all that happens is that Blizz wakes up, talks briefly with his dad, does chores, and is given a mission to the market. In comparison, a chapter in Fellowship of the Ring would include all of their adventures in the Mines of Moria. While that’s a modern epic, and this is a short story, I think you could still fit a bit more action (not like fighting-action, but general events sort of action) before ending the chapter.

Anywho, overall I really like the idea, but I also really like to nitpick writing. Hopefully you got something useful out of this XP

This is really helpful burger thank you =]

The reasoning behind the first chapter being so short, is because it is just a short story on the internet, not a book xP it takes time to even write that amount, so would rather be able to upload sections quickly for people to read, rather than doing a massive chunk and uploading all of that. Also its to indicate a change in scenery as well as which character its focusing on, trying to seperate chapter 1 and 2 more clearly. However, from what's happening next, I suppose I do need to make them longer in future, and instead ill use Aterisks to seperate changes like that.

As for the first chapter, yeah your right it needs more description =P I figured the detail will come later, as Blizz is walking around town, taking in the city around him, among other events. But things like the weapons they are using need to be clear at least, since they are important in the first one, I may change that then. However, ill keep most of the first chapter short and action based, as its meant to hook the audience with the events so that they will want to read on, cant bog them down with too lengthy descriptions ^_^' those can always come later.

And, damn it! I always do that with past and present tense... ugh... ill have to change that thanks for pointing it out xD

And as for chapter 2, its not finished yet, thats about where I stopped writing, so there will be action by the time its finished, just not done it yet as didnt think anyone would be interested =]

Anyways, thank you for the criticism, its really helpful ^_^ I may continue writing then, if I dont want to do any drawing or animating at night xP we'll see how it goes =]